November 2011
28 posts
My mom is so fucking loud.
I’m pissed off and super irritated.
I want a guy who I can have an intelligent conversation with. A guy who will be focused on my personality, not just my body. A guy who will call me beautiful on the first date instead of sexy. I want a guy who knows hamlet as well as I do.
i bet you forgot how i met your dad, how we spent the day after prom together. I bet you forgot out long walks in parks at night, our picnic under the stars. i bet you forgot jazz at the lake together, the movie nights we had. I bet you forgot the first time we fell asleep together, our adventures that first week. I bet you forgot the movies we saw, the nights camping. i bet you forgot how we...
im a complete fucking mess. but im better. you still make me cry, and things you do still get to me and make me jealous, but you know what, that is never going to change. we fight. but thats how you know i still care.
greyson doesnt want to see me…
Just because I said I could see her and I being friends doesn’t mean you should date her.
If you’re going to take everything I say to heart that much, ill just be honest and say all the girls are annoying, and you’ll never find someone better than me.
Dear Greyson,
i miss you. more than imaginable. which is saying a lot. i hate this feeling. please, just come home.
I’m keep telling myself that I don’t care and that this is for the best, but in all honestly, this is consuming my mind.. I can’t seem to stop thinking about it, no matter how much I try. I feel as though I’m losing my mind.
shitty year.
January 18th, 2011.
February19th, 2011.
March 28, 2011.
April 10, 2011.
May, 10, 2011.
September 29th, 2011.
November 15, 2011.
i miss you. more than you could ever imagine.
todays been fucking terrible..
found out that im the other woman, got in a fight with greyson, messed up my knee, and now i have a crazy migraine. -__-
i was very tempted to just drive away instead of coming home tonight. i put an extra 20 miles on the car just driving north on the freeway.
today...
Me: the guy im dating is engaged...any advise?
Greyson: (calls me, tells me to tell the guy to fuck off and to tell his fiance about me, we hang up)
Me: life hates me.
Greyson: you need a better judge of character lol whats this guys name?
Me: see the thing is even you would have been fooled. why?
Greyson: no...i wouldnt have. and just tell me his name tawnya.
Me: Ryan.
Greyson: when i ask his name, i mean full ryan. and if not ill just go off on all the ryans on your friend list
Me: hes not my friend on facebook.
Greyson: well than you should fork over his last name or ill go off on innocent people.
Me: no you wouldnt. and its fine. i can handle this.
Greyson: do you really want to take that risk? and im not saying you dont got this.
Me: i know you greyson.and right now, the last thing i need is my ex screaming at a guy im dating. you shouldnt care this much..
Greyson: you also know that i said if anyone fucked you over id make sure he didnt do it again. and youre still dating this fuck? youre the girl hes cheating on his fiance with.. i care because hes a prick deserves to be shot repeatedly in the kneecaps. you know how i feel about cheating and how do i know youre not just telling me hes not friend with you so i dont do anything? hmm?
Me: you said that when we were in love and tried doing the stupid break. its been months, six months to be exact, youve moved on, pretty sure youre in love with someone else. i know you have good intentions, but im your ex for a reason. and seriously? i wouldnt lie to you greyson. his names ryan -------.let me talk to him before you do anything.
Greyson: who cares when i said it? what part of "i still fucking care about you" do you not comprehend? were still friends. friends look out for eachother. would you freak out on sarah if she wanted to get involved in this? no...im pretty sure you wouldnt.
Me: are you calling me a bad friend? freaking out on me is something a friend would do, yes. freaking out on the guy isnt.
Greyson: no, im saying youre putting a doub standard on cause we used to be together. friends have each others backs. you didnt do anything wrong so why would i freak out on you? hes the dick who deserves to be lectured. but you know what? fuck it. the next time a guys a cheating prick, dont come to me. cause apparently im a bad friend and ill want to make the guy realize hes a fuck up.
Me: i wasnt saying youre a bad friend. and im putting a double standard because if you lecture someone and they ask me about you i cant just say that were friends. i cant say that im over you. im not even upset that this happened. im upset because you are so much. im upset because as soon as i realized youre not worth all the pain i was going through, you came back. because as soon as i realized about this girl, youve been putting more effort than ever to talk to me. you called me because of the freaking moon. you never would have done that had it happened a couple months ago. maybe you feel bad about something and youre making up for it by doing this or maybe she just reminds you of me in some sense. i dont know but im not holding my breath for the last one. why wont you let me go? there is a reason behind it, and maybe you should figure it out.
Greyson: theres not a double meaning behind this. maybe i finally got over you. maybe i like talking to you, maybe.. just maybe.. im trying to be a good friend like i said i would be. why does the reason have to be bad for me to change? and if you want me to let you go, then i wont talk to you anymore. maybe you should figure out whether or not you want me in your life.
Me: im tired of your maybes or possibly. give me a straight answer for once greyson. do you like having me where i am? you know how i feel about you! why shove the face that youre over my in my face? the fact that youre happy with out me? im glad youe finally happy but do you know how much it kills me? to know that youre happy without me. that without me youre doing just fine. that your worst day since you left for college had something to do with her, not the fact that you lost the girl you said you wanted to marry. youve moved on let me.
Greyson: i put those maybes in there to make you realize that your reasoning isnt the only option i still dont know what changes and if i was happy without you, why would i keep you in my life. why would i keep talking to you? and it wasnt just her. every aspect of my fucking life collapsed that day. every single one. so dont go acting like you know what happened. dont act like you know what i am without you.
Me: so explain to me, what are you without me? from what i see youre happy. your have the girls, the band, the guys and time off from school apparently. seem like your life is pretty nice without me..
Greyson: surface appearances are only skin deep. you should know that. youve been hiding pain from people pretty much as long as i have.
Me: I have. that doesnt really explain anything though.
Greyson: you said seems. I dont want people knowing what im actually going through..
and baby one day youll get regret the day you walked away from me, i guarantee it. ;)
so, i got curious and i got tired of debating with myself about why greyson had this sudden change and was making such an effort to talk to me.
sooo, i asked. he said he didnt realize the change. but now things are going to change, that efforts going to be gone more than likely, but, oh well. its for the best.
sooooooooo, greyson called me tonight. he called me just to tell me to go outside and look at the moon, to hear my reaction and tell me why it was like that. we were looking at the same sky, at the same moment. <3 he told me that he knew that i would love how it looked so he wanted to make sure i saw it. :] score one for me. ;]
you win. i care about you. i want you to be happy. even though i want you to choose me, you chose her. so, you win. i forfeit.
but, i wont lose hope. hope that in some sense she reminds you of me. hope that youll keep up what youre doing and we can maintain a friendship. hope that even though she may have won this battle, that i will win the war. <3
why do i fucking care? jeezus.
i just cleaned out my wallet.
2010 extreme thing ticket.. gone.
april 8th, 2010 amoride ticket.. gone.
amoride house of blues ticket.. gone.
area 170 amoride ticket.. gone.
I’m tired of people putting shit on my bed. seriously, just leave it where it is. when im tired, i ust push all the shit on my bed. when im looking for stuff, i know where I PUT IT, dont fucking move it. I almost broke my glasses cause they got put on my bed and i pushed them off. like seriously? WTF glasses dont go on a fucking bed. I have no fucking idea where im supposed to go cause my...
Class
I have class. I’m one of the most, if not the most, proper and classy woman of this generation in Las Vegas.
I’m sorry I don’t act like I’m constantly on some sort of drug.
I’m sorry I don’t constantly make sexual jokes.
I’m sorry I would prefer to read than get high.
I’m sorry I would rather spend the night cuddling and watching disney movies...
I have to do absolutely amazing on everything in precal to pass. :] I got this. :]
i feel a bit bad that i dont spent time with my little sister but shes just.. aggravating.
i dont like people watching me.. end of story. i feel bad always telling her to go away, i know it hurts her feelings, but really. you dont need to watch me mess around on my computer. :/ tumblr and facebook… nothing super amazing…
:/
i have a crush on seans best friend Ben. >.<
the thought of him makes me happy. :]
too bad him and i will never get a chance… -_- f.m.l.
I don’t smoke. I hardly ever drink, and when I do, its with my family. Me cussing? Its a pretty rare occasion, and most people find it hilarious. I have a bit more class than 95% of todays society.
im alive but im not living.
once im cured, im sick again.
once im fixed, im broken.
i cant living my life in doctors offices.
i cant keep going the way i am.
i dont know what i want or what i want to do in life anymore.
i just want to be happy, healthy and unbroken. <3
today...
i front ended my dads truck and almost drove my car into a pole cause of the stupid nausea..
needless to say my keys are going to be taken away again. :/
november 29th could NOT come any sooner…
greyson is “lovestruck”….
please… someone shot me.
